Jesus, help me.

For everyone who really knows me, you know what I went through for about a year and a half during my senior year of high school and starting college. The panic attacks that ruled my life and everyone in it. I was so much better. Until a few days ago. I started a new medication for my asthma on April 4th. It helped at first, but now it has turned into my worst nightmare. I got laryngitis a week ago, and haven't gotten better. I wake up in the middle of the night, shaking, dizzy, and lost. I thought it was just because I was sick, but it wasn't. My attacks came back. I am in that same mind set that consumes my world and leaves me breathless. Paramedics had to spend some time at my apartment 2 nights ago, that was bad enough. But today got worse.

So much worse.

My mom is flying into Seattle from Las Vegas tomorrow morning.
I have the best mother in the world.
I will be gone for a while, I need to get better.
Help me Jesus, please. My life is in your hands, take care of me Father.

"a woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man has to seek Him first to find her."

YAY LIFE.

Everything is going great for me. Just in case you don't already know, I will update you on my life. First; I am single. And it is definitely what I need to be. I am so much happier. Second; I started Dental Assisting school at Everest College on March 23rd! Yeah! I love it so much and I am having so much fun. I go Mon-Fri from 8am to Noon. I am still working at the Bridal store full time as well. Wednesday-Sunday; so no, I never had a day off. My lovely friend Nick was in town 2 days ago and I got to go spend at evening with him downtown Seattle at his hotel. It was so great to see him. It had been a whole year since the last time we saw each other. Way too long. Lets see .... what else. There isnt much else to update on other than how happy I have been lately. Trisha and I have been going to church together every Sunday which has been great. And Saosin is still the most amazing band on this earth. The end. <3

<3

“Come on, that thing is like 3,000 pages long.”(looks through book)

“Yeah. 3,000 empty pages. only one page has writing on it…”

“What does it say?”

“Lose 1 friend,
Lose all friends,
Lose yourself.”

”So why are all the other pages blank?”




“Nothing else seemed important…”

You were talking to me.

I haven't been to church in a while. I have gone about 4 times since moving to Washington a year ago. If you know me, that is NOTHING like me. I use to be at church every wednesday night and sunday morning. Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I had a feeling in my heart that I needed to go to church. So I went to the 6:30pm service at EastLake Community Church in Bothell. I honestly 100% felt like Pastor Ryan was talking just to me, like he wrote the sermon for me to put to my life. I didnt want the service to be over. I just sat in my chair wanting more. The message was on friendship. So many times I have fallen short of being a great friend, and I know that. "Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragment to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29. One passage that REALLY hit home with me was this... "Never abandon a friend... Then in your time of need, you won't have to ask your relatives for assistance. It is better to go to a neighbor than to a relative who lives far away." Proverbs 27:10. REALLY? REALLY! I have been going through so much crap in my life over the past few months, and this verse just makes so much sense to me. I feel like I don't have close friends up here because .. well, I don't. And my family is far away. So when I hurt, or get scared, I call my parents, who live thousands of miles away. God didnt intend life to be like that. He doesn't want you to be in a spot in your life where you feel like you have no one to back you up. If I don't know where I stand with God, there will always be a wall up in my life. I will be stuck inside a spiritual vaccuum, never letting anyone in. I need to get out! Another thing he talked about was forgivness. We all know that we need forgivness every once in a while, some more then others. Not forgiving someone, and storing up biterness will destroy you. Every one of us is going to do something wrong and fall short, so we have to accept that. But what better way to help your friends be better people then to keep standing by their side when they screw up instead of saying.... well, you messed up, you lost your chance at being my friend, see ya later! NO NO NO!! What is that going to prove? If you decide to not be friends with anyone who messes up, you will eventually run out of people to be friends with. Why? Because everyone screws up at one point or another. "There are 'friends' who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24. "I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you. And here is how to measure it- the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends." John 15:12-13

I am a changed person because of the message I heard tonight.
All I want to do is love people, and love every second of my life.
I am so happy, and I am so blessed.
I love you, all of you. All of my friends... no matter how often we talk or don't talk.
Stay in my life, and know that I am always always going to be here for you.


:]

Maybe it's best you leave me alone.

I do not drink alcohol. I never have and doubt I ever will even after I turn 21. It's a personal choice I have made and I never appreciate people trying to persuade me otherwise. Last night pushed me over the edge. "Just take a drink, Just try it, One sip won't kill you, Everyone else is drinking." What part of I DO NOT DRINK do you people not understand????? No one back home in Vegas ever pressured me to drink. They respected me for my choice and left it at that. What is the big deal with drinking anyway? Are you too immature to deal with real life so you make yourself intoxicated to forget the struggles and stress you're dealing with? What are you doing with your lives? Honestly step back and look at how stupid you look. OMGZZzzz lets TakKe likE a MillIoN pIctUreSSSsss for MYSPACE of us holding our pathetic red plastic cups filled with coors light! Maybe you feel better about yourself when you drink? Maybe you get courage to talk to that girl you were too shy to look at when you were sober. Are you failing your high school or college classes because you stay up partying every night? THATS SO COOL. I have had too many friends die from something related to alcohol. I don't want to see another one pass because of it, but is that what it's going to take to make you guys wake up and see how stupid you are being? Try doing something worthwhile. Read a book, talk on the phone with your parents, write a letter to a friend you haven't talked to in a while, study for a test coming up, volunteer at a homeless shelter, get a fucking JOB. just grow up. please. I feel sorry for so many of you.

Im so proud of myself for knowing when to walk away.
I am a strong person.

Rest In Peace Ruffy. 1-21-09.

Ruffy was my brother, my best friend.

Losing him has been the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through in my life.

I am an only child, so growing up... he was the one who would play with me when everyone else went home.

He listened to me. I told him all of my secrets and he never told anyone.

I could yell at him and he'd run back to me 2 minutes later, tail wagging, with a big smile on his face, ready to play some more.

...It still doesn't seem real.

People keep asking me whats wrong... and saying "my dog died" just doesn't feel ..... real.

I don't think it's hit me yet that he is actually gone.

I wasn't mad when it happened, I was confused... everyone was talking, talking, talking at me and I couldn't understand a word they were saying, and then their voices became a blur and soon I couldn't even recognize their faces; they were like these blobs and they started to grow fangs and their eyes became green and I knew I had to run away. I ran outside, put my arms out, and I started spinning around and 'round and 'round. I feel like I am still there... spinning 'round and 'round and 'round... and I can't stop... and I don't dare slow down.

I am scared.