Jesus, help me.

For everyone who really knows me, you know what I went through for about a year and a half during my senior year of high school and starting college. The panic attacks that ruled my life and everyone in it. I was so much better. Until a few days ago. I started a new medication for my asthma on April 4th. It helped at first, but now it has turned into my worst nightmare. I got laryngitis a week ago, and haven't gotten better. I wake up in the middle of the night, shaking, dizzy, and lost. I thought it was just because I was sick, but it wasn't. My attacks came back. I am in that same mind set that consumes my world and leaves me breathless. Paramedics had to spend some time at my apartment 2 nights ago, that was bad enough. But today got worse.

So much worse.

My mom is flying into Seattle from Las Vegas tomorrow morning.
I have the best mother in the world.
I will be gone for a while, I need to get better.
Help me Jesus, please. My life is in your hands, take care of me Father.

"a woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man has to seek Him first to find her."

YAY LIFE.

Everything is going great for me. Just in case you don't already know, I will update you on my life. First; I am single. And it is definitely what I need to be. I am so much happier. Second; I started Dental Assisting school at Everest College on March 23rd! Yeah! I love it so much and I am having so much fun. I go Mon-Fri from 8am to Noon. I am still working at the Bridal store full time as well. Wednesday-Sunday; so no, I never had a day off. My lovely friend Nick was in town 2 days ago and I got to go spend at evening with him downtown Seattle at his hotel. It was so great to see him. It had been a whole year since the last time we saw each other. Way too long. Lets see .... what else. There isnt much else to update on other than how happy I have been lately. Trisha and I have been going to church together every Sunday which has been great. And Saosin is still the most amazing band on this earth. The end. <3

<3

“Come on, that thing is like 3,000 pages long.”(looks through book)

“Yeah. 3,000 empty pages. only one page has writing on it…”

“What does it say?”

“Lose 1 friend,
Lose all friends,
Lose yourself.”

”So why are all the other pages blank?”




“Nothing else seemed important…”

You were talking to me.

I haven't been to church in a while. I have gone about 4 times since moving to Washington a year ago. If you know me, that is NOTHING like me. I use to be at church every wednesday night and sunday morning. Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I had a feeling in my heart that I needed to go to church. So I went to the 6:30pm service at EastLake Community Church in Bothell. I honestly 100% felt like Pastor Ryan was talking just to me, like he wrote the sermon for me to put to my life. I didnt want the service to be over. I just sat in my chair wanting more. The message was on friendship. So many times I have fallen short of being a great friend, and I know that. "Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragment to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29. One passage that REALLY hit home with me was this... "Never abandon a friend... Then in your time of need, you won't have to ask your relatives for assistance. It is better to go to a neighbor than to a relative who lives far away." Proverbs 27:10. REALLY? REALLY! I have been going through so much crap in my life over the past few months, and this verse just makes so much sense to me. I feel like I don't have close friends up here because .. well, I don't. And my family is far away. So when I hurt, or get scared, I call my parents, who live thousands of miles away. God didnt intend life to be like that. He doesn't want you to be in a spot in your life where you feel like you have no one to back you up. If I don't know where I stand with God, there will always be a wall up in my life. I will be stuck inside a spiritual vaccuum, never letting anyone in. I need to get out! Another thing he talked about was forgivness. We all know that we need forgivness every once in a while, some more then others. Not forgiving someone, and storing up biterness will destroy you. Every one of us is going to do something wrong and fall short, so we have to accept that. But what better way to help your friends be better people then to keep standing by their side when they screw up instead of saying.... well, you messed up, you lost your chance at being my friend, see ya later! NO NO NO!! What is that going to prove? If you decide to not be friends with anyone who messes up, you will eventually run out of people to be friends with. Why? Because everyone screws up at one point or another. "There are 'friends' who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24. "I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you. And here is how to measure it- the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends." John 15:12-13

I am a changed person because of the message I heard tonight.
All I want to do is love people, and love every second of my life.
I am so happy, and I am so blessed.
I love you, all of you. All of my friends... no matter how often we talk or don't talk.
Stay in my life, and know that I am always always going to be here for you.


:]

Maybe it's best you leave me alone.

I do not drink alcohol. I never have and doubt I ever will even after I turn 21. It's a personal choice I have made and I never appreciate people trying to persuade me otherwise. Last night pushed me over the edge. "Just take a drink, Just try it, One sip won't kill you, Everyone else is drinking." What part of I DO NOT DRINK do you people not understand????? No one back home in Vegas ever pressured me to drink. They respected me for my choice and left it at that. What is the big deal with drinking anyway? Are you too immature to deal with real life so you make yourself intoxicated to forget the struggles and stress you're dealing with? What are you doing with your lives? Honestly step back and look at how stupid you look. OMGZZzzz lets TakKe likE a MillIoN pIctUreSSSsss for MYSPACE of us holding our pathetic red plastic cups filled with coors light! Maybe you feel better about yourself when you drink? Maybe you get courage to talk to that girl you were too shy to look at when you were sober. Are you failing your high school or college classes because you stay up partying every night? THATS SO COOL. I have had too many friends die from something related to alcohol. I don't want to see another one pass because of it, but is that what it's going to take to make you guys wake up and see how stupid you are being? Try doing something worthwhile. Read a book, talk on the phone with your parents, write a letter to a friend you haven't talked to in a while, study for a test coming up, volunteer at a homeless shelter, get a fucking JOB. just grow up. please. I feel sorry for so many of you.

Im so proud of myself for knowing when to walk away.
I am a strong person.

Rest In Peace Ruffy. 1-21-09.

Ruffy was my brother, my best friend.

Losing him has been the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through in my life.

I am an only child, so growing up... he was the one who would play with me when everyone else went home.

He listened to me. I told him all of my secrets and he never told anyone.

I could yell at him and he'd run back to me 2 minutes later, tail wagging, with a big smile on his face, ready to play some more.

...It still doesn't seem real.

People keep asking me whats wrong... and saying "my dog died" just doesn't feel ..... real.

I don't think it's hit me yet that he is actually gone.

I wasn't mad when it happened, I was confused... everyone was talking, talking, talking at me and I couldn't understand a word they were saying, and then their voices became a blur and soon I couldn't even recognize their faces; they were like these blobs and they started to grow fangs and their eyes became green and I knew I had to run away. I ran outside, put my arms out, and I started spinning around and 'round and 'round. I feel like I am still there... spinning 'round and 'round and 'round... and I can't stop... and I don't dare slow down.

I am scared.

It's always love.

Thank you.
My friends...You have impacted my life in some way and I love you.
I know we don’t talk everyday, neither of us have time for that.
It’s crazy to look at where we are with our lives now.
You’ll always have a part of my heart.
I miss you.

Colton Longmire-For listening to me complain about boy problems and letting me cry on the phone with you for hours.
Brandon Darley-For stealing my Roxy hat and Our Hearts Hero CD and never giving them back.
Neema Khalili-For never giving up on me no matter how many mood swings I had, and for coming to see me on Christmas day. AND for taking care of me in Reno.
Scott Teepen-For being the reason I thought I was pretty in high school. You reminded me of it everyday.
Alex DeLeon-For proving to me that dreams really can come true.
Alex Johnson-For taking me on my first date and showing me that you can stay real no matter how many people know your name.
Aryn Escudero-For my flight home from college. I still owe you.
Ashley Cardenas-For showing me that sometimes when you need to just get away, you can really do it.
Brett Harris-For taking me to the best Chinese restaurant in Henderson and for giving me advice on all of my stupid decisions.
Caitlyn Ward-For walking up to the Rec everyday when I was bored at work.
Carissa Reckinger-For our day trip to the Fashion Show Mall.
Kim Knapp- For laughing with me when my burps taste like "brock"... and then making out with him after me.
Casie Thibodeaux-For making strawberry pancakes with me, and loving me, even when you were told not to.
Charlie-For being the only person on West Side 6th Floor to still have a heart.
Chelsa Whitney-For showing me that true love can conquer anything. And for driving around Boulder with me for hours listening to Barlow Girl.
Chloe Slater-For being my best friend since 4th grade. And for Bill Porter.
Chris Meshkoff-For making Art class in high school something I looked forward to, every day.
Christina Ibarra-For trading Pok E Mon cards with me until 3am.
Dan Dan Conway-For always believing, always loving, always calling, and always trusting. And for wearing the sail boat shirt for me.
Daniel Trujillo-For not thinking I was completely crazy for bringing you Christmas dinner. And for reminding me what it feels like to have a elementary school crush.
Dario Lorina-For taking me to my first rock concert and introducing me to Lucilles BBQ.
David Hadden-For coming to see me in the hospital before and after my surgery. And for blowing up a rubber glove to keep my spirits high.
Diego Perez-For flying to Seattle just to spend a week with me.
Phillip Wakefield-For teaching me so much about life and love. For sleeping in your car in the rain all night just because I didn’t want you to leave.
Garrett Hormel-For telling me I am a princess and for spending so much time in Boulder City with me.
Jack McGiffin-For letting me give you rides home from work and being such a cute little guy.
Jacob Hanna-For proving to me that you don’t need to take life so seriously. For giving me my sense of humor back.
Jen Fetterman-For helping me realize that first impressions are not always right.
Jim Ervin-For making me fall for you and then leaving. You made me stronger.
Jimmy Altman-For telling me that you hate watching movies alone and then making me hide in the closet. And of course laying on the trampoline with me until 3am.
Joe Cortez-For getting sick so I could come lay in bed with you until I had class.
Joey Esquivel-For giving me rides home from school.
Johnny Axelson-For WaderSkeer and Halloween 05.
Jonnie Kawkak-For being so spontaneous and having the kind of lifestyle and personality that everyone loves.
Jordan Connell-For being my first crush at South Hills and for the entire night of “Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape.”
Justin Johnson-For being my first boyfriend. And for going through more then most people I know and doing it with your head high.
KC Magrabi-For making that summer with Blaine and Jimmy the best and worst of my life.
Lia Thormosgaard-For being my twin for so long and letting me take you to Hume Lake. “It’ll change your life, I promise.” I didn’t break my promise did I?
Matt Frantom-For being that guy I always wanted but could never have. I got you though.
Mclane Mahon-For making me think I was in love with some random guy from Black Diamond, Washington.
Melissa Tretton-For being the strongest girl I know and never letting what other people say sway you.
Mikey Badgely-For never letting our hate get in the way of our friendship. For being my first friend in Boulder City and for playing spin the bottle with me on Whits trampoline freshman year.
Nathan Gwatney-For the night at the skate park in Boulder.
Baby Tyler-For always always always having the weirdest things to say and for your dog that I renamed "sausage."
Neil Sansone-I can’t really say why I appreciate you and let the whole world know about it. So let’s just say… telephone.
Nick Symmonds-For giving me something to look forward to.
Patrick Williams-For introducing me to all of the sweet people in your neighborhood.
Rachel Montisano-For making me mix CD’s and almost killing a girl for saying something mean about me.
Ryan Herman-For having me and my girls over almost every night and for catching me and holding onto me when I almost fainted at Mario’s funeral.
Ryan Hoffman-I think you should be the one thanking me. You know why. High school football.
Shane Levin-For almost making me lose 2 of my best friends and making me realize how much I really needed them.
Shanel Meyers-For introducing me to the crazy fucked up little world we lived in junior year.
Steven Arnold-For being so driven and smart and passionate. For loving me no matter how much I screw up and most of all, for respecting me.
Steven Newton-For giving me the pleasure of calling you Fig Newton all through elementary school.
Taryn Ohl-For sitting with me for hours on end talking about life.
Taylor Henstch-For being the best neighbor I could ask for. Middle.
Tessie Perkins-For spending so many months working at the Park Service with me.
Trenton James Morris (not the 3rd) -For being the first boyfriend to make me cry. Jerk. And for also being one of my best friends through highschool. AND for screaming songs with me in the car. Scream talking.
Ty Halfpenny-For making me always wonder who that cute boy in the little truck was that I would see driving around town. And for making me believe that you actually needed help with your homework.
Tyler Bosia-For making me fall in love with bacon cheeseburgers.
Vivian Sanders-For reminding me in the morning that I yelled “it’s 2:43!!!!” and “you would use MY trashcan!” Best roommate, ever.
Hailey Broadbent-For yelling at me after I ate your Reese’s and for telling your brother that I thought he was cute so I almost pee’d my pants.
Brett Moravec-For choosing me out of your 2 options for sadies dates.

what about now?

I feel like I live on a roller coaster that I can't get off of. I'm strapped on tight and I can't close my eyes. I quit American Apparel as I have previously stated, and I have been so much happier lately. I have some bad news for my Vegas and Boulder friends. I am not moving back. Not yet anyway. If you have ever seen Ryan and I together, you'd understand why I just can't leave. I have a new roommate who moves in Feb 15. Her name is Angela and I already adore her! [: I have an interview tuesday at a Bridal store in Everett. Haha how cute would that be! I am pretty excited, wish me luck! I am going to go back to school, I just don't know where I should go. Everett CC? Edmonds CC? Bellevue CC? Cascadia CC? North Seattle CC? HELP.


I never saw it coming
I shoulda started running a long long time ago

and I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
more then you know

how do you look at others?

isn't it amazing how God can look at people with loving eyes? we need to be careful not to look down on people. it's easy to get mad at people who sin, but God calls us to love sinners and only be mad at the sin.

think about what Jesus said right before he was crucified. "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." even when he was in extreme pain, Jesus looked on people with compassion and love. of course he was mad about their sin, but he still loved them. he even died for them.

how do you look at others? do you judge people by how they act and make decisions about them based on their behavior? allow God to use you to love people. God knows how to balance love and judgement. We don't - so stick to loving instead of judging.

one week too many...

I finally did it. I finally stood up for myself. And I am FINALLY done working at American Apparel. I loved it in the beginning, but things took a turn for the worse and the past few weeks have been a living hell. It amazes me at how cruel and flat out rude some people can be. I am done having people who mean NOTHING to me, tell me what to do. No thanks, go away. Today was the last straw. I got pushed so far over the edge today that I finally put in my 1 week notice that I will be quitting. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So now what, right? Living on my own with no job? Thats what I was thinking too as I was driving home from work tonight. I came inside and got on my computer to check my email. I had one. Just one. From Kelly and Pacific West Dance Academy in Snohomish. "Hey Erika, just wondering if you would still be interested in teaching ballet, lyrical and jazz here at the studio. I would love for you to come assist a few of my classes to get a feel for my method of teaching. And then you can have some classes of your own. Let me know what you think!"

Hello answer to my prayers. Seriously WOW. I am like.... speechless. All I have ever wanted to do is teach dance and the day I quit my job, God gives me what I want. I am so happy. (=

P.S. Think about this.

"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things." Romans 2:1